Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
