my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
