I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
