If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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