Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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