Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize