Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
