last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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