I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
the day after is always just damage control
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
