I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
