i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
