Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
