My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
