You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize