After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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