cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
