On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
