I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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