Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
