apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
