the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
