I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
