her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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