last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
