You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
