I wish I could teleport
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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