i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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