"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
