1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
