my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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