i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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