I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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