Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
