so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
