You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
