as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
