If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
