You smell like a Billy Joel song
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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