Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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