the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
