The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
