shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
can u get pink eye on your cock?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
