If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I deserve this hangover.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
