i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
