i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
