We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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