genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
