My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
