i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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