tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
