Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I will die if light touches me.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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