It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
