I cannot find my penis.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
