on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
