My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
