tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Is Oprah even human
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