1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
