Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize