My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
