oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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