Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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