Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
