your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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