its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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