The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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