just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
