she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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