I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
